JOKES
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Rules for Women Man's 25 Rules for Women
1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
2� Don’t cut your hair, Ever
3. Don't make us guess.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to
hear.
5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship. "
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like
8. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
9. Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let It be.
10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
12. You have enough clothes.
13. You have too many shoes.
14. I Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
15. Your brother is an idiot.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark Anniversaries.
18. Share the bathroom.
19. Share the closet.
20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Nothing says 'I love you' like a blowjob in the morning.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
24. Check your oil.
25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
Once upon a midnight dreary
Fingers cramped and vision bleary
System manuals piled high
And wasted paper on the floor
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets
Still I sat there doing spreadsheets
Having reached the bottom line
I took a floppy from the drawer
I then invoked the SAVE command
And waited for the disk to store
Only this and nothing more
Deep into the monitor peering
Long I sat there wondering, fearing
Doubting, while the disk kept churning
Turning yet to churn some more
But the silence was unbroken
And the stillness gave no token
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother!
Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer
Only this and nothing more
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion
Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired
Ones I'd never faced before
Carefully I weighed the choices
As the disk made impish noises
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting
Baiting me to type some more
Clearly I must press a key
Choosing one and nothing more
>From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
With fingers pale and trembling
Slowly toward the keyboard bending
Longing for a happy ending
Hoping all would be restored
Praying for some guarantee
Timidly, I pressed a key
But on the screen there still persisted
Words appearing as before
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted
Haunted, as my patience wore
Saying, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
I tried to catch the chips off guard
And pressed again, but twice as hard
I pleaded with the cursed machine
I begged and cried and then I swore
Now in mighty desperation
Trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation
Just as senseless as before
Cursor blinking, angry, winking
Blinking nonsense as before
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
There I sat, distraught, exhausted
By my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away
And paced across the office floor
And then I saw a dreadful sight
A lightning bolt cut through the night
A gasp of horror overtook me
Shook me to my very core
The lightning zapped my previous data
Lost and gone forevermore
Not even "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Bill Gates Big Mouth
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry
with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the
computer industry, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 miles to the
gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating (by Mr. Welch himself): If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would
all be driving cars with the following characteristics: Your car would crash twice a day
for no reason whatsoever. You would have to buy a new car every time they repainted the
lines on the road. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
would accept this, restart and drive on. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left
turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have
to reinstall the engine. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought
"Car95"or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and
twice as easy to drive but it would run on 5% of the roads. The oil, water temperature and
alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault"
warning light. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt. The airbag
system would say "Are you sure?" before going off. Occasionally for no reason
whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously
lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. GM would
require all car buyers to purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM
subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this
option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover,
GM would become the target for investigation by the Justice Department. Every time GM
introduced a new model Car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none
of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. You'd press the
"start" button to shut off the engine.
Corporate has defined a lower cost alternative for Desktop conversions that also addresses
the Y2K (year 2000) issue: The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by
December, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are
many wound reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K problems.
2. No technical glitches, keeping work from being done.|
3. No more wasted time reading and writing e-mails.
4. Substantial hardware cost savings.
Frequently asked questions from the Etch-A-Sketch help desk:
Q. My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. What do I do?
A. Pick it up and shake it.
Q. How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A. Pick it up and shake it.
Q. What's the shortcut for Undo?
A. Pick it up and shake it.
Q. How do I create a New Document window?
A. Pick it up and shake it.
Q. Hoe do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A. Pick it up and shake it.
Q. What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A. Pick it up and shake it.
Q. How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A. Pick it up and shake it.
Q. How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document"
A Don't shake it.
A teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary raised her
hand and said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals.
It was fascinating."
The teacher replied, "That's good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'
in a sentence." Sally raised her hand and said, "My family went to the
Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher replied,
"Good, but I wanted the you to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence." Little
Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny was all too well known
for his bad language. After a moment, the teacher reckoned that Little Johnny wouldn't be
able to brutalize the word 'fascinate,' so she called on him.
Little Johnny said, "My big sister has a sweater with ten buttons on it, but she can
only 'fasten-eight' because her chest is so big!"
The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor were not present in
the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and
the students were free to leave -- with no penalties for missing a class. The rooms were
equipped with the type wall clocks which "jumped" ahead each minute, in a very
noticeable fashion. As it were, these clocks were also not of the most sophisticated
construction. Some enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock with
chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute. So, it
became almost daily practice for these students to take target practice at the clock ( as
it would have it, this particular professor was not the most punctual, and the students
considered him severely "absent-minded"). A few well aimed erasers, and lo, 15
minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself. Well, when the day for the next exam
rolled around, the professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told them
"You have 1 hour to complete". The professor then proceeded to collect the
erasers from around the room, gleefully took aim at the clock. When he had successfully
"jumped" the clock forward 1 hour, he closed the class and collected the exam
papers. Life does teach some lessons the hard way.
BUTTERFLY KISSES
We often learn the most from our children. Some time ago, a friend of mine punished his
3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight, and he
became infuriated when the child tried to decorate a box to put under the tree.
Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift to her father the next morning and said,
"This is for you, Daddy". He was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but
his anger flared again when he found the box was empty. He yelled at his daughter,
"Don't you know that when you give someone a present, there's supposed to be
something in it?" The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said,
"Oh, Daddy, it's not empty. I blew kisses into the box. All for you, Daddy." The
father was crushed. He put his arms around his little girl and he begged forgiveness. My
friend told me that he kept that gold box beside his bed for years. Whenever he was
discouraged, he would take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who
had put it there. THE MOST CARING CHILD Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked
about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most
caring child. The winner was a four-year-old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly
gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry the little boy went into
the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked
him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped
him cry."
WHAT IT MEANS TO BE ADOPTED
Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy
in the picture had a different color hair that the other family members. One child
suggested that he was adopted and a little girl named Jocelynn Jay said, "I know all
about adoptions because I was adopted." "What does it mean to be adopted?"
asked another child. "It means," said Jocelynn, "that you grew in your
mommy's heart instead of her tummy